Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Fine. I Admit It.

Today I was browsing through Bloglovin' and came across a post titled "Postpartum". It instantly grabbed my attention and I had to read more. Natalie over at Mr. & Mrs. Smith has written something that made me cry. I'm not a crier unless it is secret in the shower crying so no one would ever know kinda crying.

On Sunday I had to finally admit to My Paddy that I am suffering from Depression again. :(

I hate it when this happens, and the worst part is this is the longest I have gone in between bouts of it. Last time was in 2008.

I get so down and low and negative. I feel like crawling in a hole till next summer. All I do is sit in sweats, watch Cosmo TV and eat junk food. When I get depressed I get sick too. It's an added joy really {kidding!}. I get major nausea, nothing is appetizing and before I know I have lost so much weight I look like a skeleton and friends are asking if I need help. {sigh} I appreciate the love, and yes...I need MENTAL help. You know when you have people over and someone says "Shelley! Do you need some help?" I always yell back "YES....mentally!!!" and then in my head say 'I'm not joking' to myself. Even when I'm not depressed.

I don't know how I have gotten out of it in the past. I don't think about it once the session has passed for fear I will get so depressed about the way I have treated everyone around me. I turn into a horrible friend who doesn't call or go out anymore. I don't talk to anyone, or participate in anyway. I get mad at the drop of a hat, sulk, fight, say mean mean mean things and my poor Paddy takes it. He loves me. I'm lucky.

Depression runs on my Dads side of the family and to be honest, I didn't believe in it until I was 23 or 24ish. I just thought people used it as an excuse to be lazy and selfish. It is a very selfish disease. You purely think about yourself, forget about all the amazing things you do have, don't see how blessed you have been. It's crazy even as I read it right now...but yet I still feel it.

I have tried anti-depressants, but the mood swings are too much to handle. Plus, I don't 100% believe in using drugs to solve mental problems. Lots of people take them and have no problems, but the 3 kinda I have been given to try weren't for me.

Natalie used the word "low" in her post. I use it all the time to try and explain how I'm feeling. That is the most connecting word for all of us with depression. You can only truly know what that word feels like when you have felt it yourself. And once you have felt will are so very low.


***I just re-read this post to myself and by the end I had a little bit of hope. Right this second I can say - It makes me hopeful to know that it will be over eventually.

*** Thank you Natalie for giving me the strength to admit it. xoxo

1 comment: messy girlfriend said...

hello there..
my best friend suffers from depression as well..she is fine at the moment but she has very very dark times... i know its not an easy battle..i m sure people around you will understand...
i think admitting it is the first step...:)
take good care of yourself..